How Much Should I Tell My New Partner ?

Many people have the need to tell all, to be honest to the core, to spill their guts, to get it off their chest. The question is ....why ? How much does a new partner need to know about your history ? How much do you want to know about theirs? How much is personal and has nothing to do with the new partner and your short or long term future together ? How much information can you handle ? What information do you need for safety and health reasons ? What information is out there that everyone BUT your partner knows ? How much of that information could prove to be embarrassing to you and your partner if someone else tells your partner before you do ? These are all important questions because some people tell everything they ever did and who they shared those experiences with. Others seem to live in a world of secrecy and half truths.

BE CAREFUL: THE TRUTH MAY SET YOU FREE

Honesty is important but the rate and extent to which one shares one's history is also important. That being said, my guess is that no one really ever tells any one person everything about themselves; their experiences, their feelings, their fantasies or their fears. Hence, after all is said and done, we probably know a lot less about most folks than we think.

Most guys really don't want to know how many jocks his sweetie has slept with before him. Knowing their names just adds more pain to the bruised ego. So, hold off on giving him the long list of flings, mistakes, and experiments you have had with other men. He may know you are not a virgin ( or not) but he is certainly not yearning to be with the "community worker."

Your history of abuse is also information you may need to seek counselling about before sharing it with him. Your goal maybe to get his "pity" but the impact may be very different. If you see yourself as a victim, perhaps it is too early for you to look for a new partner. If he is an abusive person, he may be happy to have you identify yourself as a prospective new target. Step into this new relationship as an equal partner who can stand on her own.

Women often feel they need to know a guy's history, and who their former lovers have been. It's important to have the pictures in their heads of who they have to worry about or NOT. Was she good looking, fashionable, sexy or what ? Why did they break up ? Did he leave her and does he still have the hots for her ? What was their relationship like ? And does hearing all the details make you feel more or less secure. Most women, after getting the information, feel they could have have managed without the "crib notes."

MAKE YOUR OWN MARK

Try establishing a connection with your partner on your own merits by developing an interesting you. In other words: (a) Check your sense of humor meter, (b) Cultivate a wide range of interests ? (c) Work at being a positive person, (d) Improve your listening skills, (e) Maintain good personal hygiene (f) Develop some skills in using "alone time." and (g) Get some self-help books to improve your knowledge of relationships and sex. Remember, nothing much comes naturally.

Jealousy can damage a relationship if one feels the need to compete with an "ex." For this reason the information shared should be selective and measured. Don't get in the habit of bad-mouthing an ex. The only thing it proves is that you had really bad judgment; an attribute you may not want to underscore. The terrible things you allowed to happen to you speaks more loudly to your boundary issues and poor self-care. So, if you want to paint a more positive image of yourself, speak to the good aspects of the relationships. That is, identify the things you respected in the past and expect in a future relationship. Use this approach gingerly.

TELL THE STUFF THAT MATTERS

If you start a new relationship and you are married, state this fact from the start. The risk of getting involved with some one's spouse is serious and can be dangerous. If you are separated but not divorced, that is something that also needs to be clear up front. If you are still at home with that mate, set that straight as well. Your partner ought to know you are a probably a serial cheat from the "get go".

If you have been tested and told you are HIV positive, you need to establish that from the beginning. Your partner needs to know the risks involved in becoming intimate with you from the beginning and become better educated about the prospects of that relationship and what is to be done to take care of partners if the relationship is to continue.

If you have been tested and found to have Hepatitis C, you must tell your partner. HIV and Hepatitis C are different but each carries with it risk of infection and transmission to a partner under intimate conditions. Exposure to these infections can result in death.

Sexually transmitted Diseases (ST D's) are a risk in unsafe sex. Some young people have had exposure to one or more ST D's and have been successfully treated and are no longer infected. But, unlike true love, Herpes is for life. These little nuggets of gold are the secrets you may want to share with your partner. It is reported that genital warts, despite the use of condoms is transmitted through sex. It is reported that dental dams may work to prevent the spread. In any case, the need to protect a partner is probably important to talk about.

If a new partner has changed gender, or is in the process of doing so, this clearly may require some prior discussion before the relationship moves to petting and sex. This is also appropriate if partners have interests in more risky sexual explorations. Swinging couples, and groups sex movers should be clear about their interest and expectations of new partner.

Moving into a more serious stage of the relationship and commitment means reaching further into the one's family or personal closets. Histories of mental and physical illnesses should be discussed if children and permanency is a consideration. The offsprings from previous relationships should be identified and introduced. Health issues that effect sexual functioning and reproduction should be discussed. Emotional and physical traumas that impact normal functioning must be opened for discussion as well.

Again, information that is difficult to share can be discussed with professional help if you are finding it hard to present facts to a partner. Talk the issue over with a professional and then decide if, when, and how this can best be shared. As a matter of fact, consulting a professional is helpful when deciding what you should be sharing with a new partner. Remember, the truth may set you free.