It doesn't really matter much about the names of the stages, though some are quite telling. Several of the stage names are pretty descriptive, leaving little doubt as to what the couple will be encountering at different points during this journey. Just note, the biggest difference between a relationship that has 3 stages and one that has 20 stages is the amount of detail given about what you can expect to hear, feel, and see from start to finish.
Lets think about four stages in a relationship. I will attempt to summarize most of what you can expect after stage 4. I'll even suggest some sources for further reading and greater detail. You will, no doubt, begin recognizing the first few stages and if you are currently in a relationship, you may be able to determine what stage your relationship is in now.
Lusting, Disenchantment, Indivduation, and Launching are the four the stages on which I will focus. Now, the rate at which one moves through the stages of a relationship may vary. Some people lag behind their partners and others move ahead rapidly from stage to stage as a couple. Some partners must be dragged into the next stage. Sometimes we are just not emotionally ready to go the next round. At the same time, long distance relationships may move more slowly through some of the first stages. On the other hand, the couple that lives together may move through the stages quite rapidly. Whatever the case, the successful couple gets to the finish line and holds on for dear life.
Lusting is the first stage of the relationship. This is the stage when hot passion is high and good judgment is low. The fantasies, fears, inhibitions, and voices of mom are in your head competing with thoughts about sex, sex, sex, and sex. The excitement of newness and long lost adventure clouds the thinking of many. It's a period of fantasy, dream building and deafness. In other words, nothing that is said about either partner is heard unless it's complimentary. (After all, only jealous friends find fault, they heard him lying, she saw him out cheating, or the guys know she's a slut.) Neither partner is able to see, hear, or say anything negative about the lust object. Much of what is felt is thought to be love is lust. THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS.
This period often opens the way to sex and thoughts of permanency. Much time is spent together and one partner is seldom without the other. They are always planning and doing stuff together. It's a period when marriage proposals are frequently made and unplanned pregnancies occur. Married or single, this is the course most relationships take. There are folks who never take a relationship past this point. They need the excitement and the lust.
The period of Disenchantment eases in as one or both partners begin to become bored with daily routines, social isolation, and the piling up of little annoyances. She is tired of being the one :he finds to criticize, to complain to, to wait on him and to pick up after. His jokes are loosing their punch lines, and his snoring is no longer melodious. She's now developing lists and carefully weighing the results:(a) Things she hates and refuses to accept, (b)things she will discuss with him and try to get changed, and (c) finally the things she loves about him and just doesn't want to live without. Disenchantment is a stage many people don't get past. This is a tough stage and don't forget, he has his lists forming as well. Typically this is where many relationships end. Wake UP! This was never NEVER-NEVER-LAND...It's over as a chorus of friends sing, "I TOLD YOU SO."
Often that list of little annoyances is never mentioned; that is, not directly. So, changes that they could have been making and perhaps would have been making are never presented before the couple breaks up, just walks away. She reminded you of your mother. This was good and bad. She had a naggy, preachy way about her. If she were not a great cook, a great lover, and supportive of your goals, then it would not be hard to leave. She expected much more than she could bring to the table herself. You never could figure out how to get to the more delicate subjects and tell her how you really felt. She was always right. She had to win. She had never been on her own and her decisions were hardly reality based. She was beautiful but...that was lost in the darkness of the nights. All you could see then was her attitude.
The down side to failure at this stage is that many young people manage to marry or have children just about in the the middle of this stage. Someone put the word out that children can save your relationship. NO!!! It usually makes things worse since not having children was probably not the problem anyway. In fact, breaking up makes life very difficult for couples who decide to end its at this stage and particularly for their children. Baby planning is probably best delayed until the pair is well into the Individuation Stage and the decision to stay and have children has been made.
Individuation is the third stage in a relationship. This, like the other stages, requires skills and determination to get through it. So, if your list of good things for your partner was the longest and you managed to stick with the positives, your job is just starting. Once you have decided you are in it for the long haul, the test of your self confidence and partner trust kicks in. At this point in the relationship, each partner has pretty much decided what they want to be doing with their time and their life. In other words, you've got a mate __now get a life.
You are feeling secure, you have learned to trust each other, and you have a couple and personal plan. Feeling safe, you are ready to leave your partner to do his or her own thing as well. So, each partner takes off to finish making a place in the world for themselves. With skills, this meets the individual partners' need to further develop "SELF." One must have developed and mastered by this skill by now. Its called "breathing on your own."
By this time, men may be feeling the pressure of age, time, and ego. Ego dictates that time is running out and he has a need to leave his mark on the world. Men need time to make that last dash for the gold and leave their big imprint on their book of life. Women may be returning to school, moving up the corporate ladder, or getting ready to be mommies and more. Being away from home more, taking on new responsibilities or simplifying their lives, all of these changes usually mean operating more independently and seeing each other less. Skills in communication, good family planning, trust, common values and goals are important if the couple is to get through this growth period. Finding satisfying ways to fill your individual and couples gap is the basis for a successful relationship. So, don't forget to plan for "couple's romantic alone time.
Different writers may take you deeper into the stages that often follow. Each stage requires new skills for new challenges. These challenges and changes keep the relationship healthy, vibrant, and satisfying for both partners.
Launching is another critical stage that will test the weaknesses and strengths of the relationship and the pair. Occurring when it is time for the first child to leave home, Launching disrupts the family dynamic. Some couples don't even realize how much is often lost of "coupledom" in the course of parenting. For years, the focus has been the child or children. Their break from the family for college, the military, to marry, or running away from home can leave the family unit in a state of disarray and shock. Suddenly, if its the last child or only child , the couple is confronted with redfining their "coupleness". This works if they have attempted to keep such a relationship over the years. If not, the couple may be back to where they started at Disenchantment #2. They look up over those empty beds and chairs and notice a stranger over in the corner. If things went well you can choose to try to LUST or if not you may choose to leave. By this time the partners have aged, matured, perhaps changed and are no longer interested in rebuilding or continuing their lives as a part of a couple.
This all begins to sound familiar and the Individuation #2 Stage repeats itself, and the couples who can re-order their lives for their senior years. They stay together, separate, remarry, or otherwise seek their own way with or without new partners. Many find happiness in new relationships. If they faired well, they have many new skills and are ready to carry on; single, widowed or divorced. They know relationships require work and they know the route each relationship tends to go, thus enabling each partner to prepare for a successful and satisfying journey.
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