To Key Or Not to Key ? That is the Question.

Dear Dr. Medic:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about five years. We don't live together and find that works for us both. We have both been married and have adult children who are on their own. About two years ago I gave him a set of keys to my house. If he is scheduled to come over and gets there before I do, he can let himself in. He has never offered or given me a key to his home and I have never asked for one.

Recently, I spent the night at his home, as I sometimes do. It was my plan to go to work from his place in the morning. It happened, however, that I did not have to leave until close to noon. He leaves about 7:00AM. I mentioned I wanted to sleep in for a while and he immediately said no. He stated I had to leave when he did and he was very firm and matter a fact about it. Until this incident, we had never actually had and argument or even harsh words for each other.

Well, I was very angry but made no fuss. I simply got up, got dress and left, taking some of my "leave overs" with me. I was gone by the time he got out of the bathroom. I was hurt and angry.
I work about 14 miles south of his town and spend the 8 hour day driving. I live about 10 miles north of his town and decided rather than sit in my car for the 4 hours, I would drive back home.
I am ready to confront him about the issue but I have not yet decided how. I need some advice.

Sincerely,
Disappointed



Dear Disappointed:

I am sure your boyfriend felt he had good reasons for denying you the privilege of staying in his home after he left for work. So, let's take the high road and explore some of the possibilities. (1) Since your boyfriend never reciprocated to his "keying" by doing the same...assume he didn't want to provide you equal access, or (2) Perhaps, he is a very private person who has created an image he feels he must protect, or (3) Maybe past negative experiences with women who "nosed" into his personal belongings left him distrustful. On the other hand, on the low road, (4)Maybe he's leading a double life and failed to secure the evidence before your visit. But if the worst is to be thought, put yourself in his place, he may have been concerned about what could have "popped up". After all, it might have been bad, wrong, or different; an impression but not the one he wants you to have of him. And, after all is said and done, the best next move is to ask your boyfriend why he declined to let you stay. Don't forget, this is an issue of values, ego, and self-esteem but the answer may be quite simple and quite clear. If this is your first "fight", then decide just how heavily this incident weighs against the five years you have invested in this relationship.